Hey Jealousy
by emilyannexx
Summary: His eyes looked as lively as ever, even though there was a hint of something I couldn't quite place. Maybe it was because we were in the middle of a war; it was hard to find happiness nowadays. But maybe, we could get through the rest of this life together. At least not alone. Maybe... even everything would turn out okay?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything you even remotely recognize from Harry Potter. And I don't own the song "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms. But I do suggest you listen to it :)

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Hey Jealousy.

xx

I really had no idea what exactly I was doing. I mean – it had been almost a year and a half since I had even seen his face. That time span being nearly one and a half years; the year we left Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for good. And, his face being Sirius Black.

This whole idea was ridiculous – I knew the chance of him even _remembering_ me was pretty slim. Me, Grace Wynne, a girl who wasn't even in his house back when we were in school. And, one of the many girls he'd 'interacted' with throughout our seven years.

Who was I to think I was any different than them? What was different between their time with him and mine?

Well – I could think of one.

…A fact that I had to tell myself not to think about time and time again. It broke my heart everyday to think about it – and I didn't even know why.

The fact that I let Sirius Black go ate me up inside day after day – for the past how many months.

I had finally gotten to the point that I could push it from my mind. Once again I could enjoy the simpler things in life. I could go for runs in the park; simply have lunch with my friends and colleagues. My family was always there to support me and always had something up their sleeves – it was my constant and my sturdy foundation.

Until that was ripped away from me this morning. I never could have imagine that it was this hard – I thought I'd be the first, working for the ministry and all.

It was hard times – not that anyone really hoped to die, not that I knew of anyway. But, there was always that chance you would do or say the wrong thing to put yourself at the top of that list.

I wouldn't go so far as saying my family was full-out Dark Art supporters in this war – on the other hand, I wouldn't go out of my way to say the opposite either. I liked to _think_ we were in the middle, neutral – at least, I knew that I was.

Surviving was my goal, and I was pretty good at it – but now it seemed as if I had nothing – I didn't know anything. Me, Grace Wynne – the girl who planned everything down to a 'T', even if it never happened exactly the way I wanted it to go.

Once again, I pushed those thoughts to the back of my head, the same way I pushed back the memory of Sirius all those many months before.

That's when I came up with that bloody idea to find him – after all…well; I really had no idea what was going to happen after that. I still had no idea if this was even what I really wanted to do.

xx

It hadn't taken all that long to remember where and how to get to the house Lily Potter resided in. We had met up a couple of times since leaving school – and since that time she went and married James Potter. I just hoped that him and Sirius had remained best friends over the years.

I shivered a bit as I made my way up the walk – totally not even thinking about the fact that there was a gaping hole in my jeans and my hair was all over the place.

…Okay, so maybe I was thinking about it a little.

But, how exactly do you do this? (Whatever _this_ is.) Knock on the door and say "Hi – do you know where you old best friend is? By the way, you aged really well?!"

I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding in. And, while running a hand through my hair, I prepared myself to actually knock on the door.

I pulled my hand back once I heard noise and laughter from inside the house. …Maybe now wasn't such a good time to do this.

"Come on, Gracie, it's now or never," I told myself – literally, out loud. If people didn't already think I was crazy – they would have now if they heard me talking to myself.

After rubbing my palms on my jeans – I gathered up the courage and rang the doorbell once. Through the door I heard it ring on the other side – then, at that point I really wished I had a cigarette or something to settle my nerves.

I looked around their yard, hoping that it would take a decent amount of time for someone to answer the door, or maybe no one heard the doorbell ring – with my luck, though, they probably all heard it and jumped at the same time to get it, thinking it was someone of importance that one of them was expecting to show up at this time.

The door opened slowly as I was still looking at the property, a very nice property at that. I turned back to the door frame, where James Potter was now standing, where the closed door once was. I saw his smile falter a little when he recognized that it was me standing in front of him – I may have met up with Lily on occasion, but this was the first time I'd seen him.

"What are you doing here," He said, a question would have implied that maybe he wanted to actually know. But, by the look he was giving me, it clearly told me that he thought I should leave. Not that I would, I was too stubborn, and I'm sure that he knew it.

James crossed his arms over his chest and stared at me. I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair, praying that it wasn't shaking – even though it felt like I was inside. "I, uhm – I need to see Sirius," I paused a minute, waiting for him to make some kind of reply – when he didn't, I continued. "Do you know where he is?"

He raised his eyebrows, but not in the surprised type of way – the challenging type of way. "Why do you, Grace Wynne, want to know where he, Sirius Black, is?" he asked, not very politely – I couldn't really blame him though. I would be doing the same exactly thing if I was in his shoes. I heard someone get up in the living room, and shuffle their way over to the door.

I began to try and answer, but James cut me off before I could get a word out.

"If my memory serves me correctly, Wynne, and I'm sure it does – _you_ left _him_. That doesn't exactly…"He would have gone on if he could have; I knew he didn't like me – that much was certain.

My breath caught in my throat for a moment. "Shove off, Prongs." Sirius told him and pushed James out of the doorway so he could get a better look, making sure that I was actually standing in front of him.

And, now that I thought about it – I really wished that I would have taken the time to realize what I looked like before I had ventured my way all the way over here. I had forgotten how Sirius could make me feel weak in the knees with just a look – and it made me self-conscious that I was standing here like this, with him simply looking me up and down as if we had never seen each other before in our lives.

I crossed my legs awkwardly as I stood in front of him, not speaking, and for the second time since the door opened, I ran a hand through my strawberry blonde locks. Later, I would probably realize how stupid this looked – me, standing there, not saying anything, when I came looking for him.

On my defense, I had never been one to actually think things through completely. I liked to plan them perfectly, but I never thought about what would happen.

"Gracie?" Sirius looked at me, and for the first time I looked back at him. I studied his face – not much had changed, his eyes looked as lively as ever, even though there was a hint of something I couldn't quite place. Maybe it was because we were in the middle of a war; it was hard to find happiness nowadays – at least for some people. Or, maybe it was because he was just as confused as I was.

I stared back into his eyes and shuffled, and then looked away – afraid that if I looked too long I would never be able to look away again. Memories of that last day at Hogwarts came flooding back to me – some that I swore to myself I would never remember again. I closed my eyes for a moment and then looked back at him, after opening my eyes, of course.

"Sirius, I really have no idea what I'm doing here – well, I do, but…can you just say something, please? And, stop looking at me like that!" I yelled, not really meaning to do that. But, he was beginning to make me feel uncomfortable – or it may have just been me making me feel uncomfortable.

He raised an eyebrow, and smirked just slightly. At this moment, I really wished that I were able to read minds – or at least attempted not to sleep through Divination. Sirius opened his mouth and spoke. "Grace, you look like hell," he shrugged and leaned across the doorframe.

I sent a glare his way, but huffed out a small chuckle anyway. "I never would have guessed that."

I shivered a bit, despite my best effort, but standing in one place for a long time was never really my cup of tea. It wasn't as cold as I imagine November should be – but I knew that could change with the blowing of the wind.

Sirius took a step forward and looked down at me. In turn, I, of course, had to look up at him. He reached his arm out and gently touched my upper arm, probably without even realizing that he was sending this feeling throughout my body.

"Do you want to go for a walk with me, Gracie?" He asked. One thing Sirius also didn't know was that every time he said my name – it made me want to make him say it ten more times.

I nodded my head 'yes', afraid that if I spoke in reply – the voice wouldn't be my own, and I had no idea what would have come out if I did. It was kind of foolish, really. I was nineteen years old, but I definitely felt like I was a girl of sixteen again.

He backed away from me, "Let me grab my cloak," Sirius said, walking back into the house – and not long after returned with a cloak. Not for himself, but for me.

I rolled my eyes and looked at him when he held it out in front of me to take. Knowing he wouldn't let it go if I didn't take it -and that we wouldn't be going anywhere either, I grabbed it out of his hand and put it on. The warmth encased me – and for the first time I realized just how cold I actually was.

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**AN.** Wow, this story was a long time coming. A lot of people helped me start this story and continued to help along the way. I don't think I even need to mention any names. Except, Jenni (AFooledHeart) because I think this whole story would be buried in my computer if it wasn't for her pushing me to continue this over the last three (yes, three, oops) years.

There's more to come =D Feedback's appreciated?


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own anything you recognize from Harry Potter or the song "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms.

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Hey Jealousy.

Chapter Two

xx

We'd been walking for a while – in one of those unawkward yet still really awkward silences. The kind where there were a million thoughts running through your head – and you were still just waiting for the other person to say something first.

It hadn't taken all that long for me to get over the school-girl-crush feeling - and then I had realized that was when I had first met Sirius, and all those old feelings rushed back when I saw him that first moment.

Back as my nineteen-year-old self, I kept glancing over at him, half-hoping that he would say something first. I knew inside he wouldn't, he usually never did. And, I guess I shouldn't have expected it either…

I let out an incoherent noise, which I guess he heard. Sirius looked over at me, but we still continued walking. Of course, I really had no idea where we were headed. I didn't have the greatest sense of direction if I didn't know my destination.

As Sirius continued to lead me, I figured I might as well attempt to start a conversation. "So, uh – how are things?" What I really wanted to shout was "this is stupid" – but I figured that wouldn't have been the best idea seeing as I was the one who sought out him, but it was his idea to go for a walk.

He looked at me and shook his head slightly, playfully.

"That was a legitimate question, you know – conversation." I said to him as I raised my eyebrows. He could have answered. When Sirius didn't, I figured I might as well attempt to carry on the conversation – silence wasn't either of our strong points, and I didn't quite understand why he hadn't answered. "Where are we headed? Or are we just walking aimlessly?"

"My flat," He continued walking.

I looked up at him and simply shook my head, although at this point I wasn't sure if I should be glad or nervous that we were walking to his flat. I guess it was probably the best idea. "Glad you didn't pick the walking aimlessly answer, we'd never get anywhere." I stopped and once again waited for him to say something, anything, and when he didn't… I subconsciously decided that silence just wasn't an option.

"Thanks for the cloak by the way, I kind of just left without thinking, you know? It's a nice night for November, don't you think?" I paused for a slight second and played with one of the too-long sleeves. "This is actually a pretty nice place, no offense, but I never pictured you living in a place like this. You always seemed to be the type of person to just dream big and move off into the city. But thinking about it, this area just seems so…_you_. I bet the trees are lovely when it's springtime, and there are probably loads of children just running through the streets throughout the summer…"

To my left there was a laugh, and I stopped and turned to face Sirius who had also stopped to start laughing. I folded my arms over my chest and raised my eyebrows while looking at him. If anyone had been wandering along this deserted street, the thought that we should belong in an institution would most certainly pass through their head at least once. Me, looking like I was just checked out of a hospital and Sirius laughing as if he had been given too much laughing gas at the dentist. (He may not have been laughing that hard, but it made me feel better about myself to think that he looked as crazy as I felt.)

"You sound like a babbling idiot, Grace," Sirius said bluntly as soon as he was finished laughing and then put his arm around my shoulders as he started to walk, making me once again continue. A few steps later and his arm once again fell off my shoulders and landed back at his side. I took this as a signal that I could continue talking.

I pulled the cloak a little tighter around myself. "I wouldn't have sounded like such a babbling idiot if you would have engaged in the conversation, Black. They're usually two sided, you know." I looked around at the houses that began to appear, and realized that maybe I could have said that a little nicer.

"Can't you ever just walk and not talk, enjoy the moment every once and a while," Sirius paused slightly before beginning, if you hadn't have known him, you probably wouldn't have realized he had paused at all. "Besides, as I recall, Wynne, the last time we spoke, it didn't end on that great of a note. So I'm sorry that I don't really know what you want me to say."

I took a moment to think about what he had just said, and he was probably grateful for the silence that appeared while I thought. He was right, as much as I wanted to think so; we hadn't ended on a happy note. My fault. He was also right and that he shouldn't know what to say…I wasn't even sure what I wanted to hear, not that I should have been expecting to hear anything at all. Also my fault.

At the end of seventh year, he wanted something more…and I just didn't. Was I scared? Maybe. Was I young and stupid? Of course. Did I hurt him? … Probably. I hadn't stuck around long enough to find out. He deserved that at least. Sirius also deserved an explanation, and that really wasn't something I was planning on doing tonight, if ever. Honestly, I wasn't even sure I had one that made any sense whatsoever.

My thoughts were shaken away as Sirius spoke. "I shouldn't have said that, Gracie, I didn't…"

"No, Sirius, I deserved it. Don't apologize. I needed to hear it. "I interrupted him before he could tell me that he didn't mean any of it. In my mind, he should hate me. I would hate me if I was him. (I was also a girl, and could hold a grudge way longer than a grudge should be held.) However, two people never think exactly the same way. No matter what, there were always some opinions that would differ, no matter how strongly one felt about that.

Sirius stayed silent after I said that, there was no need to get into this discussion out here on the dark street. In my opinion, there was no need for that discussion to be brought up until I felt comfortable enough to even talk about it with him. Either that… or I came up with some logical explanation. I really just wanted to forget the whole thing right about now. It seemed that he just wanted to put it in the past, something I wasn't entirely sure I was able to do. It wasn't some little thing that could be erased from a piece of paper, in my head it seemed like a notebook full of pages that would have to be carefully examined before it was thrown into the fireplace. (Even if reliving every detail wasn't the right way to go about it at all.)

I breathed in slowly before I spoke again. "How much farther until we reach your flat?" I asked, the chill from a slight breeze was starting to make me wish we were inside.

"The second building on your left," Sirius told me shortly as I notice him dig his hands deeper into his pockets making me feel even worse for taking his cloak when I realized he must have been cold, obviously he would never say that he was. Merlin forbid I say something, he would chalk it up to a quidditch match, if he even responded at all.

I nodded and before long I was able to get a good look at the building, as Sirius sprinted across the street and casually crossed and I observed my surroundings. We walked inside and I followed him up two flights of stairs to where we finally reached his residence. Sirius opened the door, and I couldn't help but let out a little laugh when I was suddenly reminded just how much of a pig Sirius could really be.

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**AN**. Quick note. Yes, I'm still a college student - so yes, my school work comes first. Seeing as I'm in my last semester as a junior, many of my class are writing courses - which really takes away all of my free time. For real, for any future advice - don't take three writing writing courses in a semester, it's not all that fun.

With that being said. This'll probably be updated monthly. And I'll try to always make it be on the 10th, but I'm not promising that. Sorry.

But there really is more to come. Despite this little filler chapter that nothing really happened in. Oops.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer****:** Yeah, not a whole lot changed since last time. Still don't really own anything.

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Hey Jealousy

Chapter Three

xx

As I sat on the couch in Sirius' living room, I studied my surroundings, not that there was anything that spectacular to take in. Dirty dishes left on the floor, and glasses sitting half-empty still on the coffee table that was placed in front of the couch, I assumed that it was really only placed there to be used as a footrest. By the looks of the books sitting on what I figured to be the kitchen table, that Remus lived with Sirius. (I don't think I've ever seen Sirius read a book, even for classes he seemed to just skim for the parts that he needed. As least I knew he could read.)

The walls were bare, except for what I could only picture as spaghetti from some weeks dinner. One could only hope it wasn't. I grimaced with slight disgust wondering how exactly these boys lived in such mess…but then again, they were just that, two boys.

I heard the sound of something hit the floor in the kitchen followed by a few mumbled curses from Sirius, somehow the idea of him in a kitchen made me worry a little and without waiting a moment longer, I found my way to the kitchen to make sure nothing was set on fire.

Letting out a little cough to make my presence known, I leaned against the doorframe and looked at Sirius. "Are you having trouble?" I asked as he looked back at me from behind the cabinet door that was open. He bent down and picked up a plate, which must have been what I heard hit the floor from the living room.

"No trouble," He replied and closed the cabinet door after placing the plate in its proper home. (That is, if anything really had a proper home in this kitchen.) Sirius picked up a bottle, one that I simply assumed was a bottle of wine, and the two flukes that had been sitting beside the bottle on the counter. "Drinks." He stated as he motioned for me to head back into the other room.

I hesitated and looked at him. When I had come looking for him earlier this wasn't what I was looking for, not that I knew at the time what I was looking for. I guess I really just needed to see him, to talk to him, to know that he was still alive. It was a silly thought, but in these times, silly thoughts could become major events.

"Sirius, I didn't come here to sleep with you…" I stopped when Sirius burst out laughing almost dropping the glasses that were still in his hand. It was good to see him laugh again and if it had been at any other time I would have smiled and probably joined in while him. But this laughter was clearly at what I said. Was he laughing because I was so blunt or had what had happened make the idea of us together so repulsive that it was funny?

He calmed down before speaking again. "Grace, this isn't even alcohol," Sirius held up the label of the bottle so I could read it. Sparkling apple cider, of course.

Sirius sat down on the couch and I followed sitting on the other end as I moved old newspapers from the cushion. Peering over the bottle at me, he smirked. "Why…would it have worked, Wynne?" He poured the cider into the two glasses and relaxed into the couch after he handed me a glass. Sirius rested his arm on the back of the furniture and turned to look at me, the smirk still apparent on his face.

After taking a sip from my glass I bit my lip buying me some time to answer his question not knowing if he was serious or not. Placing the glass on the table I turned to face him again. "With the way this days been going, a large quantity of alcohol, and against my better judgment… honestly it may have."

"Then let me go get something stronger," Sirius said jokingly about to move back into the kitchen. I halfheartedly pushed him back into to his place on the couch and let out a laugh. He settled back the way he was and I once again looked around in silence knowing that this light-hearted moment wouldn't last much longer. Sitting in silence would only take up a moment in the grand scheme of life, and it wasn't before long that the conversation would head in another direction.

I sighed as I pulled up my feet onto the couch. "I heard about Regulus…"

"He chose wrong, not surprisingly…" Sirius started through clenched teeth before I could cut him off. I knew it wasn't the smartest topic to bring up, but no topic seemed safe these days. I knew how he'd react – yet I couldn't help myself and brought up the first thing that came to my mind.

"Sirius, there was nothing more you could do. You tried your best while we were in school there's only so much you can say to try and change someone," I paused and looked up and his face. "Obviously you're angry, sorry I brought it up…"

He rolled his eyes. "Angry? I'm not angry."

I scoffed. "Black, your brother died. You're allowed to mourn and be angry even if you hadn't been close since you were five."

"Regulus Black has been dead to me for years. He chose Voldemort and at that point he died." Sirius stopped talking and clenched his jaw signaling that he didn't have more to say on the matter. I couldn't blame him, and it probably wasn't fair that I brought the conversation up in the first place. With the events of the last few hours it seemed as if all I could think about was the war along with the depression and hatred that followed along with it. Everyone lost someone, and if they hadn't they at least knew someone that did. However, it wasn't until Sirius' reaction that I really considered how differently people reacted to loss.

Here I was at a place where I had no idea the reasoning behind my being there at all. Maybe Sirius' way of dealing with life was healthier than mine. He was always more carefree than me and knew what he wanted for himself. That's where we differed. My long term goals had always been slightly guided by my parents, for better or for worse, and now that they were gone I wasn't sure of anything.

This way of thinking wasn't helping, and I began to feel as if I knew I could break down at any second. That's not what I came here to do – and I didn't want Sirius to have to pick up my pieces, considering since the time I first saw him tonight the reasoning was still unclear. I closed my eyes. This silence was killing me and I knew that eventually one of us would have to start talking again.

I heard Sirius take a deep breath and looked over at him hoping that he couldn't tell by my face that this act could break any second. His face relaxed and I could tell that, for the moment, any thoughts of his late brother were pushed far from his mind.

"Gracie?" Sirius broke the silence. "Why are you even here?"

It was the question I dreaded answering. I wasn't completely sure of the answer in the first place after all. Closing my eyes I slightly shrugged and when I looked back into his eyes I could tell he didn't believe that. Getting off the couch, I quickly walked into the kitchen and rummaged through his cabinets knowing exactly what I was looking for and that there would be a bottle of what I wanted.

Sirius looked over his shoulder towards the kitchen as I walked back in and set the bottle of Firewhiskey onto the table and handed him a filled shot glass while I kept the other that had already been in my hand. Downing the shot I looked back at him and I sat down to face him on the couch.

"If you want me to actually answer that question, we are definitely going to need something stronger than sparkling apple cider."

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**AN**. So, yeah. That whole trying to update monthly thing? Yeah, it kind of failed. Sorry? Life kind of happened, you know. Also, just noticed tonight that I've been on this site for 10 years. …Wow., that means I was 11 when I joined on here. I'm an old fart!

I'll update before the end of the year… that's a promise I definitely know I'll be able to keep!

Thanks to Miss Jenni-ferr (extragalactic) for editing this chapter when I was way too lazy to do it myself. I'd be lost without her.


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